Last night, Monika, Danielle, Harriet, Lisa,?Sheeps Eating Me and I got into a conversation on Twitter about how some adoptive parents feel entitled to perfection because they are spending a lot of money to become parents.
There was some that conceded that some AP?s do feel entitled to demand specifically what they want in a child, do to the fact that they are spending money to grow their families. ?There were some who disagreed.
I do feel that there are some AP?s who do feel this way. ?I have come across some adoptive families who have acted superior to my family because they happened to adopt internationally or via private adoption vs. how we came to be adoptive parents via Foster Care Adoption.
There are so many things wrong with the adoption system in general. ?Coercive behaviors, coercive language, discounts to AP?s willing to adopt non-white children. ?All of these scenario?s ?just turn my stomach. ?It crosses all ways in which adoption is possible, domestic, international, and foster care adoption.
There are tactics that adoption agencies use that are unethical and demeaning to mother?s considering adoption for their unborn child.
I know that there are issues within the foster care system as well. ?I know of a few families whose adopted children via foster care were removed at birth simply because the mother had previously lost her other children. ?Rather than see if she had learned parenting skills that would allow her to keep her new baby, the baby would be removed from the mother?s care at the hospital without giving the mother a chance to prove herself. ?They would make sure that the judge presiding over the case was the same judge who had put the original TPR?s in place for the previous children. ?It was basically a done deal. ?I was specifically told by a fellow foster parent that if we wanted to adopt an infant to get to know this specific social worker, and that we would have a newborn very quickly.
I didn?t do it. ?I never called the SW. ?I never met her. ?I?ll be honest, when we were called about Mea, and she was from a different county then the one in which we resided, I was relieved. ?Even then, not knowing what I know now about adoption ethics, I just was relieved to not be dealing with anyone from our county. ?The only time during the process of our journey to adopt Mea that I had to work with a SW from our county was about a month prior to her finalization. ?They kept her case in the other county 2 hours away, and communicated long distance about where we were in the process. ?At the end, there was more that needed to be done, so a worker here was brought in. ?Her Guardian Ad Litem was from her county, her primary SW was and so was our adoption placement worker.
Now, the sad thing is that families in Mea?s original county were asked if they were interested in adopting her, and no one wanted her, there is a lot to this story, things that I will not share, but it honestly breaks my heart. ?The thing is, the majority of the reasons they weren?t interested had nothing to do with her, it had everything to do with her bio-parents. ?Even with the heartbreak, for my daughter in this situation at only a twelve month old baby, I am pretty grateful that these families didn?t want her. ?It made it possible for me to be her Momma, and for my husband to be a Daddy again.
While visiting about how children who are of color are often discounted, some to the point that agencies advertise that they are, quite honestly pissesd me off. ?I understand that some parents are very determined to have their children ?look like them.? ?As a parent to a white daughter, step-momma to three bi-racial children, and my black daughter Mea, it just offends me to no end.
To a point, I do understand why adoptive parents may put restrictions on what they are willing to happen in regards to special needs, not all parents are cut out for a special needs child. ?If you are honest enough with yourself that you cannot handle it, then that it your choice. ?However, limiting yourself to specific races of children would make me consider that you are a racist, or at least have racist tendencies. ?This is ridiculous. ?You want a child, you want to grow your family, perhaps you couldn?t get pregnant or have other things that are making you move towards adoption as a way to grow your family. ?Skin color is a not a disability.
No child is perfect. ?Although, any parent can tell you that they feel that their own child is as close to perfection as possible. ?The expectation that you will adopt a ?perfect? child is unrealistic. ?All kids are going to have some sort of issues. ?All of them. ?Every single one. ?You never going to know what you are going to get. ?Your own biological children can have issues, and your adopted children could have none. ?When prospective adoptive parent?s think that they are going to have a perfect child, they obviously have no clue as to what children are really like.
One other thing that we touched on was classes for Prospective Adoptive Parents and classes for mother?s considering adoption. ?There should be classes by adoptive parents and birth mother?s who are actually in an open adoption relationship, that is taught to actual AP?s and birth mother?s who are in an open adoption. ?This would be something that would be so valuable to both PAP?s, and to mother?s considering adoption. ?I know that when we took our PS-MAPP classes, they briefly touched on open adoption. ?Very brief. ?One of the foster mother?s who was facilitating our class had some experience, but didn?t go into much detail about what it was about. ?It also would have been really nice to have heard from a birth mother. ?We only heard one side, and it was a pretty negative view to be quite honest.
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